Here is an archive of posted pieces of humour brought to you by the SuddenDeathPool. Enjoy..
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from Tuggy: Pronger's exploits
Chris Pronger of the Anaheim Ducks had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62.
She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting Pronger mentioned he played NHL hockey so she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a " hockey double-play" - a mother and daughter threesome. He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"
from Tuggy: Tragedy in Eastern Canada
Canada’s worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna model 152, a small 2 seater plane carrying members of the famed Fighting Newfy “Bees” Hockey Team crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies and expect that number to climb as the digging continues into the evening..
from Tuggy:
No matter what Roger Nielsen did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since all wives are entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Doctor. The Doc listens to their story, stroked his chin and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young hockey player, a big strong rookie. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a white towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the Doc’s advice. They hire a good looking young rookie. He hoists up a white towel on the end of his stick and waves it back and forth over them as they make love. It doesn't help and Roger's wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Doctor. "Okay," he says to Roger " try it reversed. Have the young rookie make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again they follow the Doctors advice. They go home and hire the same handsome young rookie. The young man gets into bed with Roger’s wife and then Roger starts waving the towel back and forth vigorously. The young rookie gets to work with great enthusiasm and Roger’s wife soon has her first earth shattering orgasm.
Roger smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see that “rookie”?
“now THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
from PoolerGuy:
Overhead on the Dr. Joy Brown call-in radio program:
(Not hockey-related, but just soo darned funny..)
..While advising a mother on how to talk to her 15-year-old son who was known to be surfing porn, Dr. Brown so eloquently stated: “Tell him that porn definitely has a hardening effect on young men..“ .. then she paused, and paused some more.. and then followed-up with “oh my, what a choice of words..“ and she was lost for the next 5 minutes.. priceless.
from letemeatcrow:
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV to watch his hockey game, as he was in the final 3 in the SuddenDeathPool, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
From Tuggy:
My wife left me... And I don't understand. l'm sitting in my den at the the computer a while back doing my Sudden Death Pool and in walks my wife, she tells me we have to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
From rodger
for the older hockey fans:---rumour has it, that a very upset ron hextall [flyers goalie] lost a very important hockey game in one of the stanley cup play-offs. so he decided to commit suicide. after the bad game he ran outside and stood in front of an on-coming bus------it went right through his legs
From the PoolerGuy
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Leaf fans too. Not really knowing what an Leaf fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an Leafs fan," she retorts.
"Then," asks her teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Vancouver Canucks Fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Canuck fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Canuck fans, so I'm a Canuck fan too," she responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
"Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Leaf fan."
From smitty (aka Pat):
The PoolerGuy feared his favourite beerbabe Olga was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the LoserLounge© doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the PoolerGuy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor.
"Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Olga Honey, How's about a Sleemans?"
No response.
So PoolerGuy moves to closer to the bar, about 30 feet from Olga, and repeats, "Olga Honey, How's about a Sleemans"
Still no response.
Next he moves by the pool table where he is about 20 feet from her and asks, "Olga Honey, How's about a Sleemans"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the bar, about 10 feet away. "Olga Honey, How's about a Sleemans?"
Again, there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Olga Honey, How's about a Sleemans?"
"Jesus Christ, PoolerGuy, for the 5th time, I have to tend to all the Loooooosers coming in on the bus, get your own damn Sleemans"
from Chevy: Custody Battle Ruling:
A seven year old boy from Toronto was at the centre of a courtroom drama in an Ontario Superior Courthouse this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have legal custody of the juvenile. The boy has a history of being beaten repeatedly by both parents and the judge had previously awarded custody to the boy's aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge then suggested that he be placed with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more severely than anyone. The judge, in an unprecedented ruling, dramatically allowed the boy, in spite of his youth and obvious inexperience, to make his own choice as to who should have legal guardianship over him.
In front of a packed and cheering courtroom this morning, custody was subsequently granted to the TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS as the boy stated his firm belief that they are, in point of fact, not capable of beating anyone.
...and so the season begins !!!
from Sean (aka TastesLikeChicken):
It's the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals. At the beginning of the game, a guy sits down in his seat and notices an empty seat and another gentleman next to him. "Can you believe it?" the man says to the gentleman, "it's game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and there is actually an empty seat! What's up with that I wonder!" The gentleman speaks up and says, "Well, you see the seat belonged to my wife. We went to the games together." "Where is your wife? The man asks cautiously. "She passed away," said the gentleman. "Oh, I'm sorry, You could not get anyone else to come to the game with you?" said the man. Said the gentleman with a slight smirk "No they're all at the funeral."
from Kubie (and edited by drew):
Not only is fair-haired Mats Sundin the captain of the world-famous Toronto Maple Leafs, he is one smart cookie too. Take a recent home reno he was doing. Being famous, he wanted a equally famous person to reno all his windows, so he calls Debbie Travis. She and her crew came over, featured the blonde Swede on a show, and installed all new expensive double-pane energy-efficient pretty windows.
Mats got a call from Debbie last week. She was complaining that her work had been completed for a whole year and Mats had yet to pay the bill!
Mats got very upset. He felt that Debbie was jumping all over him because he was a sport star, big and blonde and therefore he must be totally dumb.
Mats would show her who was smart, and he quite indignantly told her the same thing that Debbie's crew told him during the reno: that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. Mats knew by the stunned silence that he had once again silenced his critics. Now if only he could find his hockey stick.. Hmmm where did he throw that old thing?
from Tuggy:
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. He was probably the world's biggest Canucks fan (see how we make sure each joke is hockey-oriented? Ü)
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
from TastesLikeChicken:
(Although I'm a Leafs fan this is a great joke:...)
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Toro! nto Maple Leafs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ottawa Senator jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Leaf fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Sens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"" It was the Pope, " one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know much about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"
Submitted by Terry:
A Hockey Joke only Canadians could understand...
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in High Park in Toronto, when
one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the
dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over
to interview the boy.
"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts
writing in his notebook. " But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero
replies . "Sorry, since we are In Toronto, I just assumed you were
," says the reporter and starts again.
"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continues
writing in his notebook. " I'm not a Jays fan either, the boy
says . " I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays
fan."
"What team do you root for?" the reporter asks .
" I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan, " the child replies .
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little
French Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Submitted by Tuggy:
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"That's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in
the garage...
"I still want a divorce!", says the wife.
"..and no more Canuck hockey tickets. But the decision is yours.", the husband continued.
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies
Submitted by TastesLikeChicken:
Mario Lemieux, Mats Sundin and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the
throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must
first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?"
Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be
the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people
from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life to
bringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team."
God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.
He then turns to Mats Sundin, "And you, Mats, what do you believe?"
Mats stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the
fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Mats the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
"I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat"
Submitted by Tuggy:
Two buddies, Bob and Earl were two of the biggest hockey fans in Canada.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed hockey history in the summer, and they pored over every score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was hockey in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Canuck victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there hockey in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is hockey in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're playing in goal tomorrow night."
Submitted by Sean from the Yukon:
What does the "H" stand for in the middle of the rink for the Montreal Canadiens?
Answer: Centre H'Ice!
from Tuggy:
HOW A HOCKEY PLAYER IMPRESSES A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, Tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW A WOMAN IMPRESSES A HOCKEY PLAYER
Show up naked, with beer...
Again from Tuggy:
As you know, the Leafs and the Kings were playing furiously, and after one particularly aggressive game, the Leafs goalie (Felix Potvin) felt he had to address the situation. Felix called up Wayne Gretsky and invited him over for an informal BBQ to bury the hatchet. Wayne replied that he would attend, but could he bring his dad, who was in town to watch he game. Felix agreed without reservation. As mealtime approached, Felix also invited some neighbourhood kids to the BBQ, so they could meet Gretsky. Five boys came and were wonderstruck the entire evening... The next day at the local catholic school, the entire class was abuzz with the news, so the teacher asked one of the boys what it was like to BBQ with Potvin & Gretsky. The boy replied "It was just like heaven, we met the father, son and the goalie host".
From Art (aka Tuggy):
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex"
She walked up to an elderly man (who had just joined the SuddenDeathPool) sitting there watching a hockey game on tv. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex"
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
from Art (aka Tuggy):
Hockey players have been complaining about violence for years. It's just that without any teeth, no one can understand them.
from Art (aka Tuggy):
So this young hockey player meets this hot chick who turns out to be Tiger Woods ex girlfriend, after some dating they decide the time is right to take their relationship to the next level so they hop in the sack, after the guy does his deed he jumps up and heads out of the room, she say's "hey where are you going" and he say's "to get a glass of water", so she say's "Tiger wouldn't have done that". So it's back in bed and he performs again only to get up and head out of the room, once again she say's "where are you going" and again he say's "to get a glass of water" so as if on que she sits up and says "well you know Tiger wouldn't have done that", well he kicks his heels, spins around and dives back into bed. This goes on for a number of times and he's getting totally spent and of course very thirsty, finally after the 6 or 7 time he gets up and as he heads out of the room sure enough she calls out "hey where are you going" he turns back to her and say's "I'm going to give Tiger a call, l want to know the par on this hole".
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A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink." |
Brendan Shanahan was trying to choose which of his three girlfriends to marry, so he gave each one $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first spent hers on a makeover, clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Shanahan, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to Shanahan. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to Shanahan and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
Shanahan thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
Recently I met a woman who was just released from prison where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child. I want to marry this woman. My problem is: If I marry this woman, should I tell her about my brother who is a Toronto Maple Leaf fan?
from Shteve:
Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the World looking for a new center to hopefully help win Toronto the Stanley Cup.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi center who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the ACC. Two weeks later Toronto are down 4-0 at home to Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi center the nod to go on and he puts him on in place of Sundin.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the ice he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in the NHL
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I score 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love
me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Scarborough in the first place!
Toronto MapleGeeks trying to win when the PoolerGuy picks them. 'nuf said.
from Colorado Avalanche Team Report - October 19 SportsNetwork.com:
”The Colorado Avalanche lost their third straight game in Edmonton on Saturday, as they were dealt a 6-3 loss at the hands of the Oilers at Skyreach Centre.
Rob Blake had a goal and an assist, while Paul Kariya and Alex Tanguay also scored for the Avalanche, who fell to 2-2 on the season.“
??Get it?? Ü |
Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?
A: There's a 'face-off' in the corner.
One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"
Did you hear that on the Leafs bus they hooked up a lie detector. Yuskevich hooks himself up and says, "I think we have the best defense in the league." Immediately the detector goes off. Sundin hooks himself up and says, "I think I'm the best hockey player in the game." Immediately the lie detector goes off. Domi steps up and says, "I think.." and immediately the lie detector goes off.
Reporter to hockey player: "Did you ever break your nose?" Player: "No, but eleven other players did!"
Q: What`s the difference between the Leafs and the Hab`s?
A: The Hab`s have a color photo of their last Cup win.
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